Monday, February Something, 2013,
(Albany, NY) —Despite having already crossed opposing lanes of traffic, jumped a sidewalk, nearly hit four pedestrians, and crashed into an office building overtop a stairwell, 80-year old Thomas Seung still insists he is successfully stepping on his car’s brakes, according to sources Friday.
Seung, a retired radiologist and destroyer of four previous automobiles, swears “unto God” that he is still stepping on his 2006 Toyota Camry brakes, even as rescue personnel shout in vain, “No, dickhead, you’re stepping on the gas..!”
Dr. Seung remains adamant of which peddle he is stepping on, even as he plows his car evermore into the Albany office building, crushing itself and the office of Mengele & Sons Dentistry with icy cries of crunching metal and concrete.
“No, guys, really, I got this!” Mr. Seung cried out as he and his vehicle crushed another half-foot into the office building plainly before him, its employees and patrons running out in terror.
“I swear!” shouted Seung as firefighters and concerned pedestrians begged on, “I can handle this. It’s just a little curb I bumped over, that’s all. …Now let me just step on this brake a little more..!”
According to Sgt. Thomas Brenning of the Albany police department, authorities may just as well leave poor little old Dr. Seung alone to “figure the situation out by himself.”
“It’s virtually useless (to get Seung to realize he’s still stepping on the gas),” said Sgt. Brenning to reporters at the scene while lowering his head and shaking it in disbelief. “…But there are no injuries. Everyone’s okay. I’s just this one building, this one car, and an 80-year-old driver who is convinced that by continually crushing his car into it he’s somehow ‘stopping.’ But he’s not. He’s just sitting there, pushing the gas, convinced it’s the brakes. Really, all the damage that couldn’t been done has been. So we may as well let the poor bastard sit there until he figures this out.”
“After all,” Brenning said, “he is 80 years old. …Being Asian certainly ain’t a plus, either.”