(SANFORD, CA) —For many couples in the U.S. who may have troubled sex lives, a new study released today from the University of Stanford shows surprising results and possibly brighter futures for those with issues in the bedroom.
Sociology students from Stanford studying married and cohabiting couples over a six month period found that couples who hoist an enormous “STOP” sign in bed and plant it between themselves stand a significantly greater chance of receiving less sex, and less satisfying sex, than those who do not carry and/or hold a big road-sized STOP sign in bed.
“I would classify our findings as stunning, to say the least,” said Dr. Kildor Klinenhoff, the lead researcher for Stanford’s Department of Sociology. Dr. Klinenhoff and his student assistance monitored over 200 couples from October of last year, at a cost of $3,289,040, mostly paid by federal grants. Couples who got into bed with a road-sized STOP sign between them were 91% less likely to attempt to engage in sexual intercourse, or to perform it effectively, where as couples with no STOP signs in bed were forced to rely on more complex issues to prevent them from having sex, such as financial problems, personality conflicts, screaming children, and fidelity issues. However in the end, according to Klinenhoff, an enormous STOP sign was always a major detriment to couples’ sex lives.
Celeste and Lu Park, participants in the study, said that their sex lives have improved dramatically after researchers had them remove their STOP sign from the middle of their bed. “Lu and I kept trying to make love each morning, but this STOP sign kept getting in the way. It was really beginning to put a strain on our marriage,” said Mrs. Park. “Now Lu and I can get as close as we want in bed without some huge, sharp hunk of metal that says “STOP” coming between us. We’re so grateful.”
Couples already have enough worries in life, according to Dr. Klinenhoff, without the intrusion of STOP signs in their physical relationships. “It’s time to say ‘stop’ to STOP signs in bed. That’s incontrovertible,” Klinenhoff said. “Hopefully as news of our study spreads, millions of couples will start leaving their STOP signs in the bathtubs where they belong and will find their physical intimacy improving.”
P.S. Dear Onion,
(NEWARK, NJ) —A physically challenged man was charged Tuesday with one of the most heinous sexual assaults Newark has seen in recently memory, stemming back at least 18 hours. Police arrested and charged 42-year-old quadriplegic Daryl Schlezski with stationary rape.
Paralyzed from the neck-down since a 2009 car accident, Schlezski was taken into custody Monday after a young woman told police Schlezski sexually assaulted her after she broke into his house, ripped off his clothes, and thrashed wildly about Schlezski’s naked body for an hour, and then some. The alleged assault ended exactly where it began, claim authorities. Although Schlezski’s attorney, Hans Tenlin, says his client had been receiving harassing and threatening phone calls and e-mails from the alleged victim, whom Schlezski supposedly dated briefly before his paralyzing injury.
“My client has only two misdemeanors on his record, all of which accrued prior to his tragic accident,” said Mr. Tenlin. “We will show that this alleged accuser knew (Schelzski) prior to their immobile encounter this week, and had contacted him repeatedly beforehand… Plus we find the charge of ‘stationary rape’ to be highly insulting for someone in my client’s condition, and plan to counter-sue against the state for that demeaning term alone.”
Against all legal and moral advice, the unnamed female victim has signaled she plans to pursue Schlezski in court. Schlezski's attorney expressed great confidence in his client's ability to beat the "stationary rape" charge. "Trust me," said Tenlin, "this case isn't going anywhere."
(NEWPORT, RI) — “Why, of course your hair looks good, honey..!” —words any woman cannot hear enough. But despite repeated attempts by friends and family to get him to admit the contrary, Newport high school music teacher Larry B. Wringley, still swears he finds his wife’s newly shaved head attractive.
Suffering no physical ailment which would cause her not to have hair, Wringley’s wife, Eclypse, also a music teacher, has still shaved her head for reasons unclear last week. The married couple of 33 years have endured many hairstyles by Eclypse, according to sources close to the duo Wednesday. However Eclypse, 58, has never attempted the ever-daring pretentious-post-menopausal-art-gallery-owner-with-occassional-blood-in-the-urine look, so common with aging hippies like her.
“A lot of (Eclypse’s) friends have her style of hair. It’s just easier to manage, I guess,” said a stoically smiling Larry Wringley Wednesday. “She went out to get her hair done last week. I thought she would come back with her usual perm. Then she came home with this…this amazing new look. Uhh, I love it! Yeah. I used to rescue baby birds when they fell out of their nests when I was a kid, so this hairstyle of Eclypse’s is really bringing back some fond childhood memories.”
Although Larry’s sister is not as thrilled about Eclypse’s new ‘do as Larry claims he is. “She looks like a damn giant Q-Tip with eyes!” according to Larry’s sister, Betty. “Why is it when women of upper-middle class get over 55 they want to experiment with the whole super-short-hair style? I hope my brother is honest when he says he’s digging her new Auschwitz 2.0 look. He’s henpecked enough as it is.”
“I swear,” contends Mr. Wringley. “Eclypse’s hair is so cutting-edge. It’s bold, like her. It’s strong. Her new style says: ‘We as modernm 21st Century women don’t have to conform to society’s demand we have…umm, have to have these continually elongating follicle things… Yeah! Great job, as usual, honey!”
UPDATE: Sources close to the Wringleys claim Larry is currently sleeping on the couch.
December 25th, 2011,
(MERIDEN, CT) —Seventeen year old Justin Bergmann learned a memorable but painful lesson Christmas Day. As far as women and relationships go, the high school senior discovered the old adage of “it’s the thought that counts” is not to be interpreted literally.
According to sources, following the opening of his girlfriend’s Christmas gift to him (a $199 iPod), Bergmann quaintly leaned over and handed his girlfriend a Christmas card. In that card, according to girlfriend, Shelly Vicker, was not perhaps a gift certificate to Claire’s Boutique or even a small but valuable piece of jewelry, but just the card itself, in which Bergmann had etched, “I thought long and hard about what to get you for Christmas, but realized my love was the greatest gift of all!”
Sources close to the couple report that Vicker, 16, paused for a moment, requesting that Bergmann confirm to her if he was indeed “fucking serious,” followed by another request of, “Are you (expletive) serious?”
Although befuddled by his sweetheart’s inquiry, Bergmann confirmed that he was quite serious, where upon Vicker promptly ordered Bergmann to stand up from her parents’ basement sofa, then kicked Bergmann in the testicles with “extraordinary enthusiasm,” according to sources. Bergmann was reported to let out a shriek, then a groan, then collapse to the floor in a writhing heap.
“Auuu, I…I thou…ahhhh! I thought it was the thought that counted. I…ahhhh, Jesus!” moaned Bergmann.
After regaining composure and the ability to walk, Bergmann promptly left the Vicker residence, his girlfriend yelling at him as he hobbled to his car, “Next time wear an athletic cup around all those ‘thoughts that count’!”
Added Vicker, “Cheap motherf***er!”