Duh Progressive is pleased and honored, however morbidly, to be the first prestigious news organization to receive direct contact from accused Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony, following the release of the, come to find out, oh–so timely and extraordinarily accurate and in no way condescending or counter–productive Kony 2012 video. The leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army contacted us with the following heartfelt statement:
Okay, it’s time to take the gloves off and finally get tough…with myself. Yes. Yes, it is time for me to fess up and admit to what I have done. I’m not kidding. This is Lord’s Resistance Army’s leader and High Priest, Joseph Kony: humble, honest, and unplugged. And I’m here to say that I am sorry.
Cross-cultural love can be a tricky thing. It can be torrid, steamy, passion-filled extravaganza between two people whose ethnic and cultural differences strangely beckon them to know each other in the most intimate ways. They also can be quite frustrating and in the end, can fail as simply and sadly as any other relationship.
So I, on this day, must forlornly report that things between my Muslim girlfriend and I just haven’t been the same since her family stoned her to death two weeks ago.
Yes, Fatimah and I just haven’t been the same since then. I’ve tried taking her out to the movies and restaurants, even came over her college dorm room to make her some hummus-flavored Ramen. But since last month when her father, mother and older brother (originally from Saudi Arabia) found out she was seeing me, an Irish Catholic, and not the Saudi Wahhabist they wanted her with, and came over to her college dorm room and “talked some sense” into her with a couple bricks and aluminum pipe, I think she and I may be in a bit of some trouble.
“Mommy, what’s a ‘human centipede’?”
“Mommy, why does that man want to surgically attached people’s mouths to…?”
Children can be a treasure trove of questions, can’t they? They gaze around and wonder what this big scary “world” is all about, and leave you to explain it to them. And sometimes their questions can be uncomfortable. This is why, as a parent and a child psychiatrist, I suggest communing with your child before taking them to see the new marvelous feat of cinematic mastery now playing in independent film theatres nationwide. Yes, you guessed it, I’m talking about “Human Centipede II.”