by Michael Madshack, DP Assistant Editor
Tuesday, May 19, 2015,
(CEDAR FALLS, IA) —After enduring ostensibly never ending scrutiny and scandals since embarking on her candidacy for president, presumptive Democratic shoo-in nominee Hillary Clinton was perhaps trying to deflect attention from her and her husband’s seemingly never ending shady past by formally apologizing to the LGBT community Tuesday for not being a lesbian. Again: Mrs. Clinton formally apologized for NOT being a lesbian. Please take as much time as you wish to ingest that....
After meeting with an assembly of small business owners in Cedar Falls, Iowa, Mrs. Clinton traveled a few miles away to speak before a gathering of members of the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), one of the nation’s largest LGBT lobbying groups. The former Secretary of State, through a veil of remorse and shame, proclaimed to the HRC that although not ever being a sexually-oriented person in general, she lamented not being drawn to “play for her own team”.
According to reporters following Mrs. Clinton along her so far reporter-shirking campaign, the former First Lady told the roughly 600 member group of the HRC and fellow supporters of the LGBT community Tuesday afternoon, a demographic which has proved to be a treasure-trove of campaign donations (for Democrats), “...As I have made clear throughout the years, I am all for same-sex marriage and equality for the LGBTQ community in all realms of society. I have supported these rights of gays, lesbians and transgendered people ever since I have found it politically advantageous not to support them, but that was a long time ago. But I have ‘evolved’. ...Still, and I beg your pardon, I must admit I am unfortunately not ‘one of you’. ...I am not a lesbian, or even bi-curious. And I cannot say anything but that I am sorry. I’m sorry I am not a lesbian, despite what many of my Republican opponents think.”
HRC President Chad Griffin, who has frequently appeared at Mrs. Clinton’s campaign stops and rallies and attended her speech before the New Hampshire branch of the HRC Tuesday, initially appeared uncomfortable at the former Secretary of State’s revelation, according to reporters. However, Mr. Griffin appeared to grow “soft”, sigh in complacency, and accept Mrs. Clinton’s admission of her not being a lesbian after all.
“I never really had a ‘sex-drive’ of any persuasion, to be honest,” Clinton told the group. “To tell you the truth, I’ve never really been interested (in sex) in any way or ‘manner’, if you will...but obviously had sex one time, resulting in my daughter, Chelsea. ...That was enough for me.”
Added Clinton, chuckling, “...Now of course I love my daughter to pieces! But, yes, just like how Bill experimented with marijuana in college and didn’t like it, I experimented with sex and didn’t like it. It just wasn’t for me. And like Bill, I didn't inhale."
Continued Clintion, "I still dearly love Chelsea and Charlotte (Clinton’s granddaughter), and applaud those who like sex, be it gay, straight, bi, transsexual, group, bondage, with close relatives, with adult toys, the handicapped, antique furniture, machinery, concrete statues in national parks, stuffed animals, live animals, goats, the occasional chicken, given that the chicken is large enough to accommodate a...”
“UH, OK..! Thank you very much, Mrs. Clinton! I, uhh, I think we get the point. Thank you!” interrupted HRC President Chad Griffin, wiping his brow in discomfort. “We’re very appreciative of your support and positions, and are happy to be supporting you in return.”
After Clinton left the 20-minute engagement Griffin and leading members of New Hampshire’s branch of the HRC spoke to reporters about the meeting and Clinton’s apology for not being gay. Said President Griffin to the Associated Press, “I...uhh...I appreciate the former Secretary of State’s support for us and her devotion to marriage equality. But I...sorry, I can’t help but admit that her seemingly endless apologies for not being gay were a tad bit uncomfortable to hear. It’s not like her sexuality is anything to apologize for. Most Americans are not of the LGBT community... We understand that. But to go on and on about feeling ‘sorry’ for not being a lesbian was a little, umm, ‘over the top’, you know?”
Added Griffin, visibly demoralized, “Don’t misread me. I mean we’ll still support Mrs. Clinton, of course. But this apology of hers was simply, uhh, needless. She didn’t need to apologize to us, me, or any members of the gay community. This ‘powwow’ was really pointless, looking back on it.”
Continued Griffin, “Most people aren’t gay...weren’t born that way, or like having sex with antique furniture or stuffed animals. Although I did get really, really drunk once in New York and had sex with some sort of giant livestock−creature of some kind...only to awake the next morning to discover it was just Michael Moore. What a wasted night... I still want my 90-dollars spent on Petron and those eight hours of my life back!”
SHOCK & AWE...Aww...Awww! : Reactions to Hillary NOT Being Gay
“Hey, Hillary had me fooled!” commented former Virginia Senator and possible Democrat presidential contender Jim Webb. “I knew (Clinton) had a daughter, which clearly denotes heterosexual intercourse, or else some test-tube-baby-sort-of-thing. But I believe (Hillary Clinton), but must question why she had to apologize for not being a lesbian.”
Added Webb, “I’ve had three marriages —all to women—, the current one going on for ten years now. I guess that makes me a lesbian, too.”
“What?...Hillary’s a woman?!” stated fellow Democrat presidential contender Bernie Sanders (I‒VA) to reporters during a campaign rally in his campaign headquarters (the front lawn of his house in Vermont).
Journalists covering 2016 presidential candidates across the nation report similar reactions to Hillary apologizing for not being gay.
Sen. Marco Rubio (via Reuters): “What? Hillary Clinton is not gay?!
Rand Paul (via Fox News): “What? Hillary Clinton not gay? ...Bhaa-haa-haaa..!”
Carly Fiorina (via AP): “Hillary’s not gay? Haaa..! Where’d you hear that from, Duh Progressive?”
Likewise, reactions throughout the general voting population and in the media have been relatively as Sen. Sanders and the rest of the current 2016 candidates: “...What? Hillary’s NOT gay?!” However others are having far (in)different reactions to Hillary’s non-news-worthy-news.
Said Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC), himself a rumored possible presidential candidate and Chairman of the U.S. House Committee on Benghazi, “I don’t care about Mrs. Clinton being a lesbian or not. In her own words, ‘what difference at this point does it make?’. ....What I want to know is what was she doing being or not being a lesbian during the seven hours a United States ambassador, three other Americans and a U.S. consulate were under attack and murdered in Benghazi, and her State Department knew damn well it was going on! That’s what I want to know! That’s what difference her being gay or straight does not make —nothing.”
An irritated Gowdy continued to reporters outside the Capitol, Tuesday, “(Hillary Clinton) could have been munching on Taco Bell or bearded tacos during Benghazi —I don’t care. Mrs. Clinton is trying to get people’s attention off of her failures as Secretary of State with all of this apologizing for not being a lesbian. ...Which, by the way, reminds me: I formally apologize, too, for not being a hermaphroditic midget cyclops with epilepsy and kleptomania. There, everyone happy? Have I solved anything?”