Duh Progressive accepts submissions from people wishing to cut their teeth on the altar of political satire. The following is one of those outside submissions.
Tuesday, February 25th, 2014,
(WASHINGTON) —Following the American Medical Association’s advice, the Obama administration has officially classified laziness as a “disease”; a medical condition that affects millions of Americans and is on a steady rise.
“Laziness,” a once scorned form of behavior among millions of people around the world and in the U.S., as well as one of the notorious “Seven Deadly Sins” will now be listed within the Obama administration’s “clinically diagnosable illnesses”, demanding treatment, acceptance, and federal funds to help millions of lazy people everywhere.
Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius in a press conference Monday said, “Just because you do not have any work ethic, this should not be held against you. There is a reason for it, and you should not be penalized from a system you probably have never paid into. You’re not ‘lazy’. You have a disease, probably brought about by depression or whatever mind-altering drugs your were put on as a kid to keep you from acting like a kid. But you’re still ill, and need care and compassion.”
Mark Jefforts, PhD., President of the American Association for Laziness, was supposed to accompany Sebelius, but was absent due to his lack of desire to even show up for the press conference. But an assistant of Jefforts sent out a formal e-mail, stating, “If we don’t want to work it should not be held against us and we should be entitled to a bailout just like the banks and auto makers were. Now it’s noon and I have to go home to watch Maury Povich.”
It is currently estimated that there are 15 million current sufferers of laziness in America and approximately 1 million new cases reported annually, beginning in 2009. “However, these numbers are mostly conjecture since most of the afflicted did not even be bother to be tested for laziness, or fill out mailed forms asking them to describe their symptoms,” said HHS’s Mark Weber, Deputy Assistant Secretary for Public Relations, Monday.
From the White House’s indoor bowling alley, President Obama reacted to the news that laziness was now a clinically defined illness, stating, “The one-percent (of the nation’s wealth-holders) need to invest more in the lack of work ethic that our schools and government are fostering these days in American, or those who suffer from the disease of laziness. And if we invest in these sick people, slandered as ‘lazy’, we’ll make sure these lazy individuals are given subsidies each month this will help to grow the economy since they will then spend the money.”
Leon Smith, a professionally unemployed person, was one of the first in line to apply for the new federal benefits in Washington, which starts April 16th, now called Robin Hood Day. Smith told reporters, Monday, “Look, we got a president that has never worked a private job in his life and if you can achieve the highest position in America without ever working, just think about what I could achieve due to the fact I did not graduate from an Ivy League college.”
“Laziness is an unfortunate disease that impacts millions of families,” added Sebelius. “It is time we take this more seriously and gives these individuals the money they have deserve by not being able to earn.” Without this they will not have the ability to support the illegitimate children they have due to the fact that they just did not have the initiative to practice safe sex,” said Sebellius.
Senator Marco Rubio (R–FL), responded to the HHS’s ruling on laziness to reporters on Capitol Hill, calling the givernment’s new classification of “laziness” as a sham and disgrace on America. “Now calling ‘laziness’ as a clinical disease, and making people eligible to receive disability payments just because they don’t ‘feel’ like working? …We only have five people out of eleven-hundred who responded to the (AMA’s) survey because the others were too lazy to! And the now the (HHS) is declaring laziness a psychological disability deserving our tax dollars?! Unbelievable.”
Unlike Rubio, public school students, as well as anyone physically or mentally not above the age of 15 nationwide are lauding the government’s decision to recognize laziness as an official condition deserving of government compassion, granted that they are ambitious enough to turn on the news to hear that is a disease.
William Washington, 12, along with fellow classmates of Kansas City’s (KS) Kearney Middle School said he was thrilled to find out that his lack of interest in math, gym, English, Spanish, History, Social Studies or anything scholastic was not a personal fault of his, but a horrid disease he was born with. Washington consequently asked if he and the rest of his academically failing friends could get their C, D and F grades redistributed in Math class from his Asian classmates. “Something always told me that it really wasn’t my not my fault that I lack the desire to work hard, or just work,” Washington added. “My mom and dad…all three of my dads, actually, stay at home all the time. Even my grandfather hasn’t been employed since two Christmases ago. But now I know I’m sick, and got it from my parents. I’m much happier now.”
(article submitted by Evan Gold, co-host of Tampa Bay's 'Health, Wealth, and Wisdon' show every day on AM 1250, WHNZ! Tune in tomorrow at 8:20 as Evan and co-host Deb Goldman interview YOURS TRULY, Nick Taxia, writer and producer of DuhProgressive.com)