by Jack Lakeman, DP Editor-in-Chief
Monday, November 18th, 2013,
(DURHAM, NC ) —With the current brouhaha enveloping the NFL over alleged “bullying” by Miami Dolphins offensive lineman Richie Incognito against teammate Jonathan Martin, the national obsession with bullying has produced a rather unique study on the issue.
Researchers from Duke University in cooperation with the Pew Research Center have completed a study revealing that the crisis du jour/cause célèbre of bully tends to affect America’s weirdos, losers, and overall pansies most.
The report, “Bullying: Scourge of America’s Weirdo Pansies”, is due to be release next Wednesday. But already findings from the year-long study are being released and causing controversy. Although the study clearly states that a child, teenager, or even an adult being a naturally socially illiterate creep or a wimp who refuses to stand up for him or herself is no excuse for them being bullied, it does draw clear links between America’s weirdos and sissies and the act of bullying. As expected, having one’s child called out as a creep, nerd or sissy is being construed as them being at fault for their bullying by many parents of pansies and/or creeps.
“My 14-year-old son may still wet the bed and go to school with little Lego men stuffed in his soiled underwear, but that in no way means he’s a creep, and certainly doesn’t mean he should be bullied, which he is daily!” according to Loretta Santos, of Austin, Texas. Austin was one of several cities surveyed during the study, which explicitly did not include children with diagnosed or discernible mental or physical disabilities, although did include members of high school debate teams and political science classes.
Lead conductors of “Bullying: Scourge of America’s Weirdo Pansies” are being quick to defend their findings, but admit they have an uphill battle; no parent particularly cares to have their bullied kid be classified as a sissy and/or social reject all over again, particularly by college academics and one of the nation’s leading polling and research firms. Said Dr. Joseph Greene, Professor of Sociology and the lead director of the study at Duke University, “We’re in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you don’t position. On one hand the national media and our current social climate is obsessed with bullying. It’s practically all we hear about these days, and it’s really beginning to get on people’s nerves. It’s a problem, don’t get me wrong. …But on the other hand what our study also suggests is that when a child is bullied, his or her parents should at least step back and be like, ‘Hey, Jimmy, or Sally…maybe the reason you’re picked on so much is because you’re a freakin’ weirdo that creeps out your classmates. Perhaps taking off the Goth makeup and lifting some damn weights may help your situation.’”
“See, that’s all we were trying to do (with our study),” continued Greene, “is show some distinct correlations that could help parents of losers and kids who get shoved in their own lockers a chance. We’re helpers, here.”
Among the hate mail now streaming into Pew and Duke University from parents across the nation who are livid at the study’s findings are occasional letters from parents agreeing with the researchers, and asking for help. “My son is 17 and cries when it rains because he’s upset at all the earthworms that will drown” read one letter Dr. Greene produced. “We’re normal folks and gave our daughter the best upbringing,” wrote another set of concerned parents, “but she goes for weeks without bathing and makes her classmates smell her farts and flicks her boogers on them. Then she comes home complaining about how much she’s bullied. It doesn’t make sense.”
“I’m 51-years-old, was my high school’s varsity football captain, got lots of girls, and make friends everywhere I go. But I swear, my oldest son is the biggest p***y I’ve ever seen,” said Edward Lockhardt, of Springfield, Ohio, to Duh Progressive. Despite his other son, 13, and his daughter, 9, being completely normal, as well as his wife, Susan, 49, Lockhardt said he is at a loss for why his oldest son, Gary, 15, is afraid of his own shadow. “I know (Gary’s) not gay. I found straight porn on his computer and DVDs under his bed. And even if he was, I have a gay buddy from college who’s tougher,” said Lockhardt, a sergeant with the Ohio state police. “But (Gary) allows his little sister to pick on him, then when she sees he’s intimidated she beats him up. God, even I want to join in and beat his ass when that happens! I guess weakness begets more aggression.”
Lockhardt’s oldest son has been given a clean bill of emotional and mental health by therapists, leaving the family even more at loss for why he is a complete pansy-ass. And although Lockhardt has (repeatedly) taught his son all the self-defense techniques he’s learned as a cop, Gary refuses to use them. “I even enrolled Gary in karate school,” lamented Lockhardt, “but he was so wimpy and terrible the instructor beat him up just out of frustration. Can’t say I blame him. …I love my son to death, but damn it if he’s not one wimpy, whiny son of a bitch!”
But the Lockhardts and other parents admitting to their kids’ creepy and wimpiness are one against the wind when it comes to the stampede of America’s parents enraged by the Duke and Pew study and refusing to believe their children may in any way exude behavior that may elicit the more cruel, dog-eat-dog instincts among their peers. In an age where no parent’s child can do wrong, including being a relentless sadist to their less popular peers, and let alone being an inexplicable weirdo–sissy creep that even the most tolerant adults would not want as a neighbor, “Bullying: Scourge of America’s Weirdo Pansies” is doubtful to provide answers or make an impact in America’s current “bullying crisis.”
Duke and Pew’s 110-page study is rather blunt, all the more why today’s parents will reject what it says. Dr. Greene admits his study is heavy with statistics and anecdotal evidence, but rather light on solutions. But Bertha Marsh, of Minneapolis, said she already knows at least one solution to bullying, and so does her 17-year-old daughter. After moving from Mobile, Alabama last year to Minnesota, Marsh’s daughter, Amber, was picked on –bullied!– by her senior classmates, calling her a “hick” and making fun of her clothes and accent. For weeks the bullying went on, making Amber’s stay at DeLaSalle High School nearly intolerable.
“There was this one particular girl who liked to push Amber, pull on hair and steal her backpack,” recalled Ms. Marsh, Sunday. “She was the ringleader of the bullies. After (Amber) came home one day in tears I had had enough and told her what to do the next time ‘the ringleader’ picked on her.”
The next day Marsh got a call from DeLaSalle’s principal, telling her that her daughter had punched a girl, breaking her nose, and that she needed to come to school as police filed their paperwork on her daughter. “So yeah, yeah…‘paperwork,’ a ‘police record’ that will vanish next month when Amber turns 18, whatever…” said a smirking Marsh. “But go figure: the ‘ringleader’ hasn’t bothered my daughter since. No one has, actually. In fact, Amber has become quite popular and is dating the (now) ex-boyfriend of the ‘ringleader.’ Now THAT’S how you deal with bullies.”
Amber Marsh has also become head of the cheerleading squad since. But for parents like the Lockhardt’s, they have no such hopes their bullied son will step to the plate and “take care of business” like Ms. Marsh’s daughter. “I only hope poor Gary can find a career that will make up for his meekness so far,” sighed a despondent Edward Lockhardt to Duh Progressive, Monday. “I just hope he doesn’t let his current creepy, wimpy attitude turn him on to a career as lawyer or politician, lineman for the Miami Dolphins…or God-forbid, a political satirist!”