by D’Leereeus Johnson, DP staff
Wednesday, May 15th, 2013,
(PHILADELPHIA) —Tuesday may go down as the most sardonic day in the history of the U.S. justice system, if not certainly for the city of Philadelphia. After finding the now notorious abortion doctor, Kermit Gosnell, guilty of performing multiple illegal late–term abortions and the manslaughter of one of his patients, the Philadelphia jury decided to not to sentence the 72-year-old doctor to be executed, per se, but rather face a “Super Late-Late-Term Abortion,” sealing the infant killer’s fate just the same.
Prosecutors and the judge agreed with the jury’s recommendation that instead of being given lethal injection by the state, Gosnell, much in the same fashion he “aborted” mature “fetuses,” have his own spinal cord also severed, but not by a pair of sharp scissors in a procedure lasting a couple seconds, but by an enormous, dull, phallic-shaped Alessi ‘Todo’ cheese grater, much like the one shown here.
“The main thing we should remember is that this (sentencing) is not to be called an ‘execution,’” Judge Jeffrey P. Minehart stressed after the Gosnell’s punishment was read in court Tuesday. “This is simply a ‘Super Late-Late-Term Abortion’…isn’t that right, Dr. Gosnell?”
Added Minehart, “And in my opinion, it’s an abortion 72 damn years too late!”
According to the jury’s stipulations, Gosnell is to be tied face-down with barbed wire to a massage table, where he will be able to look down through his headrest at a TV screen. Behind Gosnell’s neck, over where the lengthy and hopefully rusty-as-all-hell cheese grater is to perform its work will also be a camera feeding live images of Gosnell’s unimaginably excruciating slow, agonizing death to the television below for him to see. Between the live images of his flesh and ultimately brainstem being chewed away by the grater will be shown images of the infants he dispatched so easily as well as other victims of late-term abortions.
“All of this has been written out in detail at the behest of the jury,” said Assistant District Attorney Edward Cameron to reporters outside the Pennsylvania’s District Court in Philadelphia, Tuesday. “Mr. Gosnell will be given a chance to appeal his sentence a month from now, in which his legal team will be given only ten minutes to file, from start to finish…as your average appeal process usually lasts anywhere from a few months to a year.”
A juror who only wished to go by the name “Sally” spoke to reporters after the sentencing, stating Gosnell’s punishment surprisingly took jurors only 20 minutes to decide. Said Sally to Philadelphia’s local ABC station, “We all sat down in the jury room and we were basically like; ‘Okay, cheese grater or dull handsaw to the back of the neck? …All those in favor of cheese grater, raise your hands. All those favoring a dull handsaw…?’ It was quite easy.”
“This sentence for my client is beyond anything conceivable by even the most vicious maniacs. It’s beyond barbaric!” said Gosnell’s attorney, Jack McMahon, in front of the courthouse Tuesday. “My client only tried to help desperate women in need. To force anyone to slowly watch his own spine severed on TV by a huge cheese grater –with no anesthesia!– defies imagination! How can we in 21st Century America, a civilized society, put any man through this torture and dea...?”
McMahon then broke down, unable to finish his statement, however not out of grief for his client, but in pent-up laughter, as he himself could not resist roaring at Gosnell’s fate. “I’m…I’m sorry, you all,” chuckled McMahon hysterically, apologizing for not being able to “stay in character” as Gosnell’s defense attorney. “…I’m sorry, but my client killed a grown woman and severed spines of infants fully capable of living (outside their mothers’ womb). I’m sorry, but even I can’t help but laugh at his sentence. No way am I appealing it! Seriously, f*** this mother–f***er! I hope they have an open viewing to his exec…I mean, ‘abortion.’ I’d like to bring along some popcorn or some chips-n-dip for it.”
However Gosnell juror, 48-year-old Peter Mull, rejected such callous, even celebratory attitudes towards a man’s gruesome death, be it Dr. Kermit Gosnell or not. Mull said he expected people to react to Gosnell’s sentence with “a little more restraint and humility,” as this was still a man’s life the state had decided to end. “I think this attitude towards (Dr. Gosnell’s) ‘late-late-late-term abortion’ or whatever we’re calling is a disgrace,” Mull said told Duh Progressive Tuesday afternoon. “We’re talking about making a man watch his own spine be severed with a cheese grater and bringing ‘chips-n-dip’ to watch? How sad. …No, we should broadcast his death on national TV so everyone can gather around with chicken wings and beer to watch! That’s the spirit! Whooo-hoo!”
NOTE: Duh Progressive regrets that nothing like the above was actually sentenced for Dr. Gosnell, Tuesday. Dr. Kermit “Mengele” Gosnell was actually sentenced to life without the possibility of parole, much unlike his victims.