Monday, April 8th, 2013,
(WASHINGTON) —President Obama took the gloves off over the weekend in condemning North Korea’s saber-rattling leader, Kim Jong-un, warning the unpredictable 29-year-old dictator not to underestimate the awesome power of a united Michigan Wolverines basketball team against the Louisville Cardinals on Monday night’s NCAA Championship game.
According to Obama, Kim Jong-un’s choice of Louisville over Michigan in the NCAA National Championship game is not only unacceptable, but a “reckless, dangerous choice which could perhaps finally lead to all-out war” with the isolated communist regime, as Kim Jong-un has maintained is steadfast belief in a decisive Louisville Cardinal victory over the Michigan Wolverines by a score no less than 458 to 3.
“The international community should feel ashamed it has not addressed this important issue of the North Korean conflict sooner,” said Obama Sunday evening as he prepared for his latest golf outing Monday. “…Louisville may have won last year, but Michigan is nothing like they were last year with Ohio in the Midwest (Regional Conference). They’re not ‘Michigan State 2012,’ …they’re not going to allow Louisville to come even close to five points like Michigan State did last year. They’re going crush Louisville!”
Added Obama, “Louisville’s loss of (Kevin) Ware to that compound fracture should have made Kim Jong-un realize the precarious state on which his nation stands. His predictions are unhinged, hostile. The Wolverines will crush the Cardinals. To believe otherwise is insane. Kim Jong-un is truly proving himself a madman!”
The North Korean dictator has held firm on this NCAA prediction over the last several weeks, along with cutting off all military communication lines with South Korea and the U.S. and positioned long-range ballistic missiles to his nation’s east coast, all the while maintaining his belief that the Louisville Cardinals will overcome the gruesome loss/injury of its first guard, Kevin Ware, and beat the MI Wolverines in the NCAA Championship game Monday evening.
Jong-un has faced mounting international military and economic pressure ever since inheriting power from his father, Kim Jong-il in 2011. Furthering his isolation, Jong-un has repeatedly stated since February that Michigan will also fall to overconfidence stemming from their win over the Kansas Jayhawks last year, just as the U.S. fell to overconfidence in Vietnam. Jong-un has predicted the U.S. and its allies will fall, militarily, all while enduring a humiliating Michigan Wolverine defeat.
The infamous North Korean leader has routinely expressed his love of American college basketball, particularly Kentucky’s Cardinals, and the desire to wipe out South Korea and the United States in a mutually suicidal nuclear holocaust. However such military threats have not been taken nearly as seriously by the Obama administration as Jong-un’s strident confidence in a Cardinals win, as the White House has long deemed Louisville “substandard” and “overrated,” despite its history of post-season success.
United Nations Calls for Calm In U.S.—North Korean NCAA “War”
“We cannot stress how volatile this disagreement between President Obama and Leader Kim Jong-un over the NCAA championship is right now,” said U.N. Secretary Ban Ki-moon, himself a refugee from the North during the 1950—1953 Korean War. “Unless (Obama) and Kim Jong-un come to a peaceful agreement on the score of Monday’s NCAA Championship and are willing to accept its outcome, the fate of the Korean peninsula —if not the world— may be at stake.”
Anonymous sources within the U.S. State Department said that President Obama responded to Ban Ki-moon’s pleas Monday morning via a secret phone call, during which Obama was reported as stating: “Screw you U.N. bitches, and Kim Jong-un, too! If (Kim Jong-un) wants to take this ‘Louisville vs. Michigan’ thing to the point of war, then I’m willing, too! Wolverines all the way, bitchez!”
In the malaise of possible war on the Korean peninsula, Kim Jong-un managed to respond to President Obama’s “smack talk” from an undisclosed location Monday. “President Obama is just another lap dog of the capitalist imperialists and the NCAA Big East Conference,” said Jong-un via Twitter; @Kim_Jong_un: “#Obama hasn’t made one original pick in #NCAA post-season ever! …His predictions are as trite and boring as his speeches. He’s the Pat Boone of #NCAA picks! He picks whoever the polls say is likely to win! …Now he’s choosing #Michigan over #Louisville? WTF? Seriously, #Michigan over Louisville? ROTFLMAO!”
But the young and “untested” dictator’s bombastic pronouncements have been costing him dearly recently. Last Thursday South Korea reported the largest mass escape/defection of North Koreans to the South in years, including a top ranking North Korean general, Lee Kim-ho. Over 300 newly freed North Koreans and Gen. Kim-ho all attested to not only being subjected to the infamous tortures of the rogue communist state, but to the demands from “Dear Leader” Kim Jong-un that they root for Louisville instead of Michigan, along with other teams like Butler, Duke, UCLA and Oklahoma —every team they have detested throughout NCAA playoffs in the past.
Said Gen. Kim-ho to South Korean reporters, “Leader Kim Jong-un’s demands we root for Louisville over Michigan was simply too much. Sure, concentration camps, indoctrination, forced prostitution, summary executions, random arrests, imprisonment, mass rape, mass starvation and widespread torture…that’s all well and good. But demanding we cheer on a team we hate and know is going to lose..? That was the last straw! We had to escape!”
No matter which team wins the now internationally disputed NCAA Championship Monday and the possible Armageddon it may ignite, the outcome will not address the ultimate issue facing the Korean peninsula and Asiatic relations overall, according to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Monday.
Said Clinton to the Associated Press, “President Obama has every reason to challenge and bet –even nuclearly– against North Korea over Michigan and Louisville. It is indeed a crucial issue, as our esteemed colleague in the State Department, Dennis Rodman, tried to warn us of weeks ago in his visit to North Korea. But this dispute over possible war, invasion, and NCAA Championships is only hiding the root isssue, the root problem concerning the peninsula.”
NOTE: Certain details regarding who won previous NCAA conferences and championships may be skewed due to the fact that Duh Progressive does not give a shit enough to research them thoroughly. We regret any…actually, no, we do not regret any disinformation regarding NCAA playoffs and championships, given the fact that we’d rather watch paint dry on a wall than pay attention to them. Thank you.