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AFTERMATH: Congress Mulls Banning All Men In Their 20s

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by Ledge Slater, official DP stud intern

Tuesday, December 18th, 2012,

(WASHINGTON)  —Reeling in the aftermath of Friday's massacre at Connecticut's Sandy Brook Elementary School, some in Congress are proposing the most stringent (and bizarre) measures to prevent such atrocities to date.  

     Speaking on the Senate floor Tuesday, California Senator Dianne Fienstein proposed, strikingly, not a ban on guns or any other curtails to the Second Amendment, but rather a ban on young men being in their 20s altogether.   Correct: people reaching and remaining in their third decade of life (age 20 through 29) would be outlawed if Fienstein and like-minded Congress members get their wish.

     According to Fienstein and Senate colleagues, the idea for the peculiar and unprecedented ban came from the CNN network's astute anchor, Don Lemon, who last Saturday blamed noneother than "people in their 20s" in-part for the horrific events that occurred in Newtown less than 36 hours prior.   Lemon also laid blame on the easy availability of guns (as in any availability, to anyone), to Autism, violent video games, and inadequate monitoring of people with mental disorders.

   Lemon has since ratcheted up his anti-gun portion of his blame for Newtown, breaking from CNN's long and undeniable tradition of unbiased news reporting for which it is so well known and hailed.

     However it was Lemon's comments to clinical psychologist Jeff Gardere Saturday afternoon that has members of Congress hurriedly drafting legislation to "seriously curtail tragedies like Newtown," according to Sen. Fienstein, Tuesday.   Said CNN's Lemon to Dr. Gardere, last Saturday, "And it's interesting, it's always seems to be some person in their 20s, some young person, and you know?  Getting older you realize when I was in my 20s, Jeff, I thought I knew everything and every single thing would upset and set me off. And the older you get, the more you realize that you don't know. What is it -is there something just about youth..?"

   "That was the eureka moment for me at least," said New York Senator Chuck Schumer to Capitol Hill reporters Tuesday.  "(Don) Lemon's right.  When you look at these mass spree shootings, ninety percent of the time the perpetrator is a young man in his 20s.  There's no stronger similarity between all these mass shooters than that they're almost always in their twenties.  It's uncanny.  It's terrifying, really."

    "Forget about guns for now," Schumer added, "it's time we started thinking broader than that and face reality:  men in their twenties are a deadly threat to us all.  They must be stopped!"

    Schumer, Fienstein, and other Democrat Senators are drafting what they are calling "Lemon's Law," named after the CNN reporter who so astutely pointed out the deadly menace of 20-somethings.   If passed, "Lemon's Law" would forbid young men being 20 through 29 years old in the United States.   Under the law, no U.S. male would be allowed to turn 20 anymore, or remain in their 20s if they already are, but instead turn from 19-years-old and go straight to 30.  Men already in their twenties would have to register themselves as 30 or older within three months of the bill's passing.

    Columbia University professor and psychiatrist, Dr. Katherine Czarnecki, author of "Just Insanity: The Case for Batshit-Crazy Overreactions," supports the push for a 20-something man ban, citing incontrovertible evidence of who commits not just random shooting sprees, but violent crimes in general.  Said Dr. Czarnecki to Duh Progressive in a phone interview, "I have been advocating young men being banned for years.  And that has become the consensus here in (Columbia's) Psychology and Southeast Asian Art departments."

    To Czarnecki, Friday's gunman, Adam Lanza, fits the age profile and range of a staggering 84-percent of violent crimes committed in the United States, according to FBI statistics.  "...Not to mention men in their 20s are also more likely to be cocky, conceited jerks, anyway," Czarnecki, 59, said.  "And they are more likely to be really horny party animals who drink a lot and are generally more exciting to be around...but then cheat on you with your roommate in your sophomore year of college and break your heart and leave you a bitter, depressed, man-hating old feminist bat.  Trust me, I know this.  That's a whole other reason to ban them."

    Whether "Lemon's Law" ever makes it to President Obama's desk remains unclear, although even former men who were in their 20s are urging the President to sign it.

    "As a person who lived between the ages of 20 and 29, I can tell you how dangerous those years can be," said Mark Akerman, a former 20-something, now a 38-year-old father of two in Boston.  "I remember my 20s.  Many things I shouldn't have taken seriously I did and many things I should have I didn't.  Things that made me upset when I was in my 20s really don't get to me anymore."

    Akerman said he lived his college days in typical "Animal House" style, and had several jobs and girlfriends in his 20s before setting into a steady career and marriage.  But like so many former 20-something men, Akerman admits he was lucky to make it through those volitile years without launching any horrific spree shootings.   "I guess I was lucky," Akerman commented, Tuesday.  "I was so busy in my 20s trying to get laid and partying that didn't have time to lose my mind and go on some monstrous spree-killing of total strangers.  Guess I was just lucky.  If only I could say the same about the millions of other guys in their 20s."

    Akerman said he urged President Obama to pass whatever ban on human activity and human beings was necessary to make him and his wife feel safer from possible atrocities like the Newtown massacre, if not for at least a day or so.

    Back on Capitol Hill, Republican lawmakers, in typical obtuse fashion, are voicing concerns over how effective a ban on men being in their 20s would be to deter more spree shootings.  Said Kentucky Senator Rand Paul to Duh Progressive Tuesday, "Aside from being completely jackassical, impractical, tyrannical, unconstitutional and impossible to implement at best, forcing American men to go from their teens straight to their thirties may actually lead to more mental breakdowns and deadly outcomes."

    The 20s are an invaluable time in one's life, according to the conservative Senator, allowing people to "ease" in to the realization that life indeed "sucks" and is not all about chasing girls and guzzling Red Bull and vodka at nightclubs.

   "Your twenties are all about winding down gradually," Paul added as he cast a long, forlorn look incalculable numbers of men his age give ever so often when remembering their 20s.  "Having a young man go from the height of youth and vigor and carefree living to immediately being strapped with a nagging wife, bratty kids, crappy job, growing gut, endless bills, mortgage and greying sideburns may be more than many men can handle in a day.  We may actually see more of these types of senseless killings as former teenagers wake up realizing just how much life truly sucks overnight, rather than slowly 'growing' into that realization during that crucial time they're supposed to —their 20s!  It'd just be too much for young men to bear."

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