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Despair: New Report Charges Nation's Schools Failing to Prepare Children for Gang Life

by Michael Madshack, DP Assistant Editor

Tuesday, January 10th, 2012,

(WASHINGTON) —A new special report from the National Education Association has cast a dire light on the effectiveness of the nation’s school in preparing its children for gang life.

    The NEA released the report on the U.S. public school system Tuesday, charging  the U.S. still lags drastically behind in preparing its children for joining, living, and dying in gangs, and proposes a massive overhaul of the nation’s school curriculum to better prepare children for eventual membership in “violent, drug-infested, nihilistic street associations.”           

    The 345-page report, titled, “Ignoring Gang Life: An American Injustice, critiques what schools are not doing to prepare the nation’s kids for life after school, as they slip evermore into gang affiliations across the country, becoming member of groups such as the notorious MS-13, Black Guerrilla Family, the Crypts, Bloods, Skinheads, and various Occupy movements.

   “The age-old question of: Are our schools doing everything they can to adequately prepare our children for gang life? has been answered,” said NEA President Dennis Van Roekel to reporters during an emergency press conference Tuesday morning.  “And sadly, this new study answers that question with dispiriting ‘No!’

    “Our nation is concentrating far too much on teaching our kids how to read, write, use the internet, put on condoms, geometry and math, when the only math they really need to know is increasingly only for drug transactions... And who the hell wears condoms anymore anyway?” added Van Roekel.

    The agency’s  report says schools across the country need to start implementing a litany of programs designed to educate students on how to deal with issues such as gang initiations, shootouts, drive-bys, beatings, rapes, robberies, weighing and pricing narcotics, human trafficking, prostitution, prison life, laying low from the police, and especially how to sniff out a fucking snitch.

   “Sniffing out whom or whom may not be a fucking snitch is a most critical skill in this day and age,” said Van Roekel Tuesday. “And many a public school student has later been arrested or capped because some rat punk thinks he can show some bitch-ass up…It’s as disheartening as it is sickening.  And there is no excuse for it.  Sniffing out a fucking snitch is a vital life skill America’s schools are neglecting to address.”

   The scorching critique suggests replacing long standing programs in schools with those more gang-oriented, such as Home Economics becoming Homeboy Economics, Drivers Education becoming Drive-By Education and adding “Preparatory Pimp” courses.

    Read the NEA’s report, “Schools should have afternoon courses dedicated specifically to how to reasonably price our future gang members’ hoes.  Given the current dress codes −or rather lack of− in our schools, it is only natural (students) be given preparatory courses on how to market themselves on the streets, and how future pimps should wage their cut of their hoes’ proceeds.”


     Gang Life: Are Schools Ready to Comply?

    While many states around the country are hesitant to implement the NEA’s recommendations, some are already heeding the organization’s proposals, changing long standing courses to reflect the pending necessity. 

    In Montgomery County, Maryland, School Board President Patricia O’Neill said the county’s schools are already transforming their wood shop classes into primarily dealing with how to make shanks for future inmates, and how to effectively hide them in books, walls, stereos, or the occasional anus.  

    “We’re proceeding quickly with these recommended changes, and our students and their parents appear to be accepting them as only natural,” said O’Neill to Duh Progressive Wednesday.  “We have students learning how to make shanks…or is it ‘shivs’?…And it’s so sweet: for our Caucasian students we’ve set up an ‘Aryan Algebra’ course, so they can calculate how many immigrants heads to stomp within a week.   And for our African-American students we’re developed a course solely on how to stand in front of polling places on Election Day and scare away white voters.  Now that’s progress.”

    Art classes in Phoenix have already been transformed into solely tattoo and graffiti courses, specializing in various gang spray-paint techniques, and how to write “R.I.P Stinky” or “Pooper” on unsuspecting parts of the human body once all the other usual parts for have been covered by other R.I.P.s

    Furthermore, in certain districts students are pairing up to take on pseudo rival students from other grades and classes.  Said San Francisco nineth grader Erica Motley to reporters Tuesday, “Those kids in Calculus I think they’re the shit an’ all. But I’m in Cal-II, and they ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of bitchez n punks!" 

    According to Motley, the next time she finds a Calculus I student on the playground, it won’t be pretty.  Said Motley, “This playground is Calculus II territory, not no shitty ol’ Cal’ I shit!  And these bitchez better take notice! …I’m sayin’ Cal-II Forever, vato!”

    Motley’s parents, Bryan and Lucille, both pediatricians, said they have tried to raise their daughter as an upstanding, responsible middle-class citizen, but given the school’s new curriculum, they find the change in scholastic protocol “unique” and “challenging;” certainly adherent to the pending lifestyle so many of Erica’s classmates await. 

    “Our daughter used to be the sweetest, kindest child, but with this new aim, we’re complacent and adjusting nicely,” said Lucille Motley, 44. “…Just the other day I asked Erica to clean her room, and she responded by brandishing a nickel-plated Glock. I was like, ‘Okay, honey, whenever you feel like it then, okay?’

     “She’s really showing her individuality now,” added Motley. “We’re very proud of that.”    


     Gang Life:  Is the Government Ready?

    Although actual families like the Motleys are increasingly rare in the United States, according to U.S. Department of Education Secretary Arne Duncan, all the more reason to aid America’s students in the transition from relying on stable, loving parents to casting their emotional futures and very lives with bands of heavily armed, feral street youths.

    Duncan said the NEA’s findings were no revelation to the DOE, and that he and top education officials had been “sternly looking” at implementing pro-gang life recommendations for all U.S. schools by 2015.  There would have to be radical changes though, said Roekel, concerning curriculum standards, such as where only a C-minus was once needed to pass high school, an F-minus-minus would be the new GPA required.

   “Clearly any and all A-grades are not indicative of successful gang material,” said Duncan to reporters Tuesday.  “We’re hoping that by 2015 an A-grade will be the new failing grade, and an F will become the new norm.”

    Furthermore, added Duncan, if a student happens to endure the honor of being murdered in a gang-related way before graduating from public school, that would spell an automatic honorary degree in absentia for the student.

    Added the NEA's Van Roekel, “We can try to ignore this reality all we want, but preparing our kids for gang life is a necessity with the job market remaining so stagnant.  There’s increasingly no other choice.”

    According to Duncan, the Department of Education will work as closely as it can with the NEA to ensure the new gang life protocols are implanted smoothly, avoiding any unpleasantness associated in helping transform millions of relatively docile, non-violent children into vulgar, murderous, classless thugs. 

   “Parents, hug your kids closely now,” added Secretary Duncan to the Associated Press, “because that’ll give you some good ideas on where to hide their gats.”

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