"After reading Duh Progressive's poigient political news and commentary, I've decided to run for office."

- Idi Amin, 1970

2011: Duh Year in Review


JANUARY

1.

Navy Captain Fired After Violating Tender Innocence of Nation's Sailors

 

 

 2.

Alzheimer's Disease Finally Giving Spiritual Mystic Great Reason to Search for Himself

 



3.

DoD:  Hillary Clinton to Remain in

Guantanamo Bay Indefinitely



4.

Boehner Vows New Congress Will Not Be Corrupted By....Hey! Free Super Bowl Club Seat Tickets?!  Wow!

 

 

 

5. 

Mysterious Mass Bird Deaths Continue to Rock Nation, NFL




6.

Congress Begins Weighing Appropriate Overreactions to Tucson Tragedy



7.

State of the Union:  President Obama Lays Out a Bold Course for  Blah  Blah  Blah  Blah  Blah...




FEBRUARY

8.

Mubarak Blames Egypt's Chaos

On American Tea Party,  Sarah Palin



9.

Innocent Search on Ancestry.com Leads NFL's Troy Aikman to Horrifying Discovery !



10.

Toddler Who Spilled Orange Juice at Breakfast to Enter Rehab

 

 (after all, who the hell doesn't go to rehab these days?)

 

 11.

Taliban Mulls Repeal of its "Don't Ask, Don't Behead" Policy

 

 

 

 12.

Judge Finally Orders Lindsay Lohan to

"Just O.D. and Get It Over With"

 

 

13.

Libya's Keith Richards Vows to Fight to the

Death, Not Throw Away Lava Light! 

 

 

14.

Hitler Finds Out His Ex-Girlfriend Got Married

(a personal video parody by Duh Progressive's producer)

 

 

 

MARCH

15.

Wisconsin's Gov. Strikes New Tone of Civility With Protesters: "We're going f**king broke, assholes!"



16.

Rebel Forces Advance on Charlie Sheen, Capture Estranged Wife, 2 Kids

 

 

 

17.

SUCCESS! —Number of Nation's School's NOT Failing May Rise to 18%

 

 

 

18.

France Surrenders to Libya




19.

Women's History Month Ruined by

World Crises, Says Oprah, Experts

 

 

 

APRIL

20.

Obama Warns Gadhafi: Butler Bulldogs Don't Stand a Chance Against UConn!

 

 

21.

White House Sending 500 Tons of Concern to War-Torn Ivory Coast

 


22.

Entire World to U.S.: "We hate your guts! Now lead us!"

 

 

 

23.

Budget Crisis Forces Detroit to Cancel Half Its Murders!


(now that's a bummer!)

 


MAY

24.

HELLISH IRONY:  Promise of Afterlife "Full of Virgins" Leaves Osama bin Laden Reunited With High School Debate Team !

Talk about a fate worse than death (not to mention our personal favorite of the year!)


25.

OBAMA:  Israel's Destruction Would be Like World's "Ultimate Late-Term Abortion"




JUNE

26.

Mayor Bloomberg to Personally Inspect the Stool Samples of Every New Yorker




27.

Anthony Weiner's Own Penis Announces Bid for Congress!




28.

California Set to Ban Grocery Store Checkout Lane Dividers


(our hands-down most popular story of 2011!  Has our nation any hope?   Have we no shame?!   Has humanity itself a future?!)

29.

UPROAR:  McDonald's Muammar "McDhafi" Burgers Marring U.S. 4th of July Holiday

(can this nation be tarnished any further?!)


30.

Gay Marriage Debate Rages as Nuclear Missiles Fly Towards U.S.

 

(2011: the year we finally got our priorities straight)



JULY

31.

Bristol Palin’s Baby Son to Release Memoirs, Too

 (because it's never to early to get into the family business of cashing in on your family name)

32.

SHOCK:  Amy Winehouse's Crack Found Laced with Tobacco!


(as if 2011 wasn't full of enough tragedies)


33.

Serial Killer Found Not Guilty by "Reason of the 70s"





AUGUST

34.

Emerging Debt Deal Would Cut Benefits for Everyone Except for Those Reading This Article



35.

EPA Demands Nation's Perverts Use Only Mercury-Free Toilet Bowl Spy Cams

(dear God, Orwell was right!)


36.

Celebrate Diversity:  London's Week-Long Multicultural Festival Hailed as Success!




37.

POLL:  Obama's Approval Ratings Still High Among His Children

(because it's always nice to know someone, out there, somewhere, does NOT think you are an asshole)


38.

Feds Increase Size Restrictions for Illegal Alien Catch-and-Release Program

 


39.

From Hiding, Gadhafi Pleads for Forgiveness: "I was not breastfed as a child!"    

(so go easy on 'em, guys!)

 

 

40.

Growing Fears 'Jersey Shore' Cast May Have Survived Hurricane





SEPTEMBER

41.

16-Year-Old Suspended After Calling Shooting at His School "Gay"




42.

Smoking Banned on Mars!




43.

Obama Confesses: "I never really wanted this job anyway!"

(the poor guy, how will we ever repay him?)



44.

MAD MAN: Ahmadinejad Demands the Return of All Persian Cats to Iran


Will the world stand up to this insane leader before it's too late?!




OCTOBER

45.

Last American Without Neck Tattoo Dies at 102

 

(from our "Last American Obitaries" segment, which will hopefully become a regular installment in our rag in the coming year, as Duh Progressive continues to remember those who kept America just a little less trashy)


46.

Hank Williams Jr. Apologizes ......TO HITLER




47.

Smell of "Occupy Wall Street" Demonstrators Giving New Yorkers 9/11 Flashbacks


("fucking tasteless" was a common reaction to this one)


48.

Another Tragic Loss:

Last American Who Had Advanced Education But Didn't Sound Like Some Goddamn Fairy Dies at 99



49.

Perry to Romney: "My God's penis is bigger than your God's penis!"

(why does the fight for that evangelical vote always seem to end up in the gutter?)


50.

One and Only Cute Chick Among "Occupy" Protestors Arrested!




51.

In Loving Memory:

Kieth Richards,  June 1942 - October 20, 2011

(We pause to remember Libya's #1 rocker and power-hungry party animal)



NOVEMBER

52.

Report: Libya's Muammar Gadhafi Alive and Well,

Partying in Washington D.C.!




53.

Jury Finds Michael Jackson's Doctor Guilty of Preventing Countless More Children From Being Molested

(let the "Ooo, that's wrong!" remarks begin -we don't care!)


54.

Students Banned From Saying "Boyfriend," "Girlfriend" on Campus

(they may take away our free speech, but they'll never take away our herpes!)


55.

FAIL:  Occupy Wall Street "Scratch-n-Sniff" Calendars Not Selling As Expected


(one of our most difficult articles to compile...so obviously it bombed, at least in our opinion.  O, le mélancolie!)



56.

SCANDAL! - First Turkey Pardoned by Obama Now Linked to al-Qaeda Terrorist Plot

(yet another difficult article that did not do as well as we thought, proving again that all you have to do is say "Obama is a Socialist" or "'So-in-so' is a poopyface!" and you'll be a hit.  Welcome to life in the blogosphere. ...Should we shoot our brains out now, or wait a bit more..?)


57.

Parents Fear Current Vampire Craze May Lead Teens to See Shitty Movie About Vampires






DECEMBER

58.

"Ambivalent Particular Days!" -Michelle Obama Declares Saying "Happy Holidays" Not Inclusive Enough



59.

Donald Trump Attacked by Crazed Tanning Bed!

(unfortunately not bearing the name Chapman or Hinckley)



60.

Shopping Mall Santas Forced to Wear Islamic Garb, Speak in Arabic!


(from the It's So Ridiculous Its Bound to Really Happen Department)


61.

"Facebook" Now Helping to Prevent Suicide After Years of Inadvertently Driving Members Towards It





62.

North Korea, Barack Obama Now Neck-&-Neck for "Best Actor" at Academy Awards




63.

CHRISTMAS IN CRISIS:  Fellow Reindeer Refuse to Fly with "Islamic Jihadist Rudolph"

(did Christmas even happen this year?  Anyone?)



64.

Santa Goes Green!  Replaces Leaving Coal for World's Naughty with Solar Panels, Wind Mills, Corn



 

     ___________________________________________________________________

    Duh Progressive would like thank our wonderful 120,000-plus idividual visitors we had this year.  Whether you're a conservative or a liberal (because, hey, nobody's perfect ;), or libertarian, or a schizoid-neo-fasci-hermaphroditic-communist with Restless Leg Syndrome, Duh Progressive wants to please you by laughing at politics and the crazy culture we have today.   Political satire is a tight rope to walk, and we are trying to walk it delicately yet offensively, inspiring our viewers to laugh while concidering of the points we are trying to make. 

    So thank you, from the bottom our hearts!  Next year we will have 500,000 visitors, then 1 million, then millions, and then...who knows... 

    So thank you! Thank You!  THANK YOU! THANK YOU ALL, Libs & Cons & WTF-AM-I's all over the world.   Not many people can die saying they've made 100,000 complete strangers laugh (and think a little, by God!), but at least we can, at least as of this year.   Cheers to 2012!

    -Sincerely,

     Duh Progressive: using humor conservatives don’t get to make points liberals don’t like since 2009!

P.S. We Love You  (yes, even you liberals...on occassion)

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