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Mayor Bloomberg to Personally Inspect the Stool Samples of Every New Yorker



by Jack Lakeman, DP Assistant Editor

Monday, July 30th, 2012,

(NEW YORK) —Finally, a regulation nearly every New Yorker can agree truly "stinks."

     The New York City Council passed a controversial resolution Wednesday requiring every New Yorker to send in a stool sample to be personally inspected by Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

     Resolution #1071, proposed by Mayor Bloomberg last January, would allow the Mayor "direct medical analysis" of the content of each New York residents' feces, in order to "further determine and promote proper eating habits" by the city's eight million residents.

   The resolution will go into effect August 24th, requiring a stool sample be sent to the New York Department of Health by each resident within a year, and for every year thereafter.   Mayor Bloomberg will personally analyze the samples in city Health Department laboratories and record his findings, archiving the content of the samples and issuing summaries and ratings of how each New Yorker is fairing dietarily.

    With bans on smoking, trans fats, soda, salt, talking on cell phones while driving and walking, sugury drinks, baby formula, wearing headphones while walking, plastics, involuntary movements, unprotected sex, sneezing, fire, alcohol, rubber bands, paper airplanes, sharp objects, country music, toothpicks, Baptists, glass, and farts already keeping New Yorkers from doing harm to themselves, Mayor Bloomberg said he now sees it fit to make sure city residents are "consuming ultra-healthy" the best way he knows.

    "New York has grown considerably healthier over the past few years," Bloomberg proudly announced to reporters Wednesday.  "But we still have great strides to make.  We're commonly referred to as the world's greatest city.  But how great can we be if I'm not able to tell what each of our subje...excuse me, citizens, are consuming?"

    There is no other way to asses if New Yorkers' eating habits are living up to FDA guidelines, according to the benevolent Mayor.


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    Of course the new ordinance could not come without a meticulously tiered system of measures designed to encourage citizen participation in the program.  All residents of the five boroughs are required by the end of 2012 to send a two-ounce stool sample (about the size of a golf ball) to Mayor Bloomberg or else receive their first and only written warning.  From then residents will have until the second Friday each December (right in time for Christmas) to submit at least a golfball-sized fecal sample to the city's main meister.  If exceeding the deadline, residents will receive either a written warning or a $250 fine for a second failure to submit their sample.  The fine will double each month until compliance.

    "And no tricks!" warned Bloomberg, Wednesday.  "I don't want to see jokes come in the mail, like miniature stools from doll houses.  New Yorkers know the sort of stool we're talking about...There is nothing funny about making a pun out of public health."

    As expected, the new stool analysis regulation is being met with outcry by city residents and even some lawmakers.  "I know Mayor Bloomberg's quest to protect people from themselves has gone too far," said Democrat City Council member Gale Brewer, Tuesday.  "But the real question is: does it go too far enough?'”

    Indeed, the demand that all New Yorkers have their feces inspected and "rated" by Michael Bloomberg has left a stench in the air to many residents, as the stink and sting of an overly intrusive government finally has them asking when will it end (the non-questioning of when it will end, that is).

    "I didn't vote for Bloomberg only to have him inspect my fecals," said Manhattan music teacher Lindsey McPhyllis to Duh Progressive Tuesday.  "I voted for him to inspect my urine, blood, mucus and saliva, too.   What type of mayor do we have who just insists on controlling only ninety percent of our lives?  Where does that leave the other ten percent?"

    Added McPhyllis, "Mr. Bloomberg will certainly not be getting my vote again after the City Council allows him to run for a fourth term.  I don't see him getting my vote for his fifth or sixth term, either.”

    Other Big Apple residents are chiding the Bloomberg inspections, too.   Gary Braunhoff, 56, a freelance lyrics analyst and lifelong Brooklyn resident said he and other New Yorkers are not surprised by Bloomberg and the City Council's apathy.   Said Braunhoff, "This is a very forward-thinking city and we're living in very perilous times.    You would think Mr. Bloomberg would take a much more active role in our lives to make sure we're safe."

   "It's like we don't even matter anymore," added Braunhoff.  "It's like we're not even a number.”


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